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Erma Bombeck

  • God created man, but I could do better.

  • Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

  • But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love why, some days it's so quiet you don't even know it's there.

  • A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

  • I read one Psychologist's theory that said, ''Never strike a child in your anger.'' when could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? when he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?

  • It taken a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

  • Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put ''I love mom'' on the license plate.

  • You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

  • When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ''I used everything you gave me.''

  • Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

  • It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

  • Never lend your car to someone you've given birth to.

  • It is not until you become a mother that your judgement slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

  • My mother phones daily to ask, ''Did you just try to reach me?''when I reply no, she adds, ''So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, ''... and hangs up.

  • Children make your life important.

  • A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

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